Not the Title of my book

Here is the thing about weight loss, I never intended to weigh 350 lbs, nope it wasn’t my dream. Come to think of it, I know, no one whomever said, “Yep, My goal is… OBESITY.” (I’m getting phones calls about that one, for sure)

To that end, obesity isn’t laziness lets clear that one up, right away.

Every day as an obese person I worked to not be, and just like you, and you, and you, Somedays were better than others.

I don’t know that I was ever offended by my own weight. Well, that’s not entirely an accurate statement I was hurt, ridiculed, and shunned for the weight I carried, but that’s the thing it was others not me that were ashamed of my appearance, I actually thought for a “BIG” girl I was pretty cute.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that weight loss should now define my work, but ironically, She never defined me.  And now that she’s gone I have days I forget she was ever here.  Not to be funny but the only thing other then the large amount of skin SHE left behind is peoples curiousity about my journey.

My journey of weight loss isn’t exciting by any means.  A wonderful surgeon in Las Vegas, Nevada two days before Thanksgiving 2002, laparosopically detached 2/3^rd of my stomach and 5 inches of small intestine.  The procedure was met with no complications, I was up and walking to the demand of my NAZI recovery team, Tracey and Robyn with in hours of my procedure. However, within eight weeks I developed a very common complication and was readmitted to have my valve reopened.

Within months of the surgery, the Kristin of before just started to melt away; only weeks after the procedure when I traveled home to be with my family for Christmas my father teared up at the progress I had made in such a short amount of time.  People often ask, when you change so dramatically what do you go through psychologically, A LOT doesn’t beginning to describe it. I was a teenager for the first time at 22 years old, you all have one of me, the “BIG” friend the girl who in a bar is your “Body Guard” the “Protector, that was always me. For the first time I needed protecting.

And in 2003, I started over with this new lease and new outlook; I lost many friends those first few years, some were over people upset that I was now worth competing for, others because they thought I had “CHANGED” I was selfish and conceded in their opinion. Honestly, I think the friendships hurt more than any Bullying I experienced in my youth.  These were people I had known for years and then it was all my fault no support, no congratulations, pure hate.

There were days, and weeks and even a month or so where I dreamt of going back, to being invisible in the crowded room asking questions like: What if I hadn’t changed? Why did I think this would make things better? Would I have been better off another way?

Well, not changing was never an option at 350 lbs. my young son needed a Mother and if I didn’t do something quick he was going to parentless. Well, and things did get better! In 2003, I found the love of my life, Nicholas. To his benefit, he knows nothing of whom I was before the surgery but he owns my condition like a badge of honor. I say “Condition” to clarify and say remember when I said Obesity is hard, well, Gastric Bypass is harder. 

Gastric Bypass changes your life both in the short term and the long term, but under the watchful eye of doctors and psychologists, Nicholas and I brought our son, Logan in to the world in 2005. We were told by the best in the medical field that the pregnancy at least would be difficult not to mention risky. And on top of the insurmountable fear that my brand new baby would have the conditions which caused my obesity, the pregnancy put a great strain on our whole family. 

After Logan’s birth my health began to spiral out of control. Whether it was simply a need to control what had been out of control my whole life or a number of other factors, I was diagnosed with constant reoccurring severe anemia. I will admit nothing prepared us for the health battles we have been up against since, it hasn’t been easy.  Nic is the keeper of meds and hospital stays and he knows “American President,” is the only movie I want to watch when I’m having a rough day and half the time he knows before I do that we are gonna have a bad day.

I would say my anemia doesn’t bother me every day, but I would be lying.  Many days are worse than others but go back to the question I asked not so long ago, Why did I think it would get better????  Oh my gosh, because it did.

This condition and body won’t slow me down and weight loss as much as it is a Chapter it isn’t the Title of my book.

It won’t ever go away, it will always come up when I see someone after a long absence or when a new person asked, “So, what does 125 mean?” Referring to the tattoo that adorns my foot, my goal weight loss reached all those years ago. When asked I always say the same thing, “I carry her with me wherever I go.” Again, NOT, to write the whole story but to be part of every chapter.

Why don't you want to ask me????

Please ask me, don't be discouraged, just ask. What am I referring too? Well, in the last few weeks and months I have changed not dramatically but in very sudtle almost what to me seem microscopic ways. You say Kristin, what has changed. Well, I LOST WEIGHT. Yep, I said it. And gosh darn it I'm proud of it. On a great journey of self discovery, reevaluating friendships, doing an internal review of my operating systems and knowing that life is brilliantly short and illness or stupidity will only shorten what I have.

Now this is all came up because of a conversation today as I was at my son's school, let me say, I have been there a 1,000 times and after 9 years of kids schooling there I know, to say the least, a few people that work at the school.  Well, this morning, I was remanded to the Principal's couch to wait as I had a matter to discuss with her.  While sitting there numerous staff walked past, smiling and nodding that, "DARN it, I'm suppose to know her," Look. I smiled back with all the smile I have and thought nothing of it. 

The nurse, I literally have none since my teenager was a pup, walked up and said, "Aren't you Logan's Mom?" I said, "Yes, Nurse P." Puzzled as over the years I have spent more time in her office then I haven't. And she paused not sure what to make her next move, "Have you lost weight?" "No, really." "Have you lost weight?" As the secretary stood to say, "Yeah, I was wondering the same thing." I smiled and said, "Well, yes thank you." We spoke for a few more minutes about my weight loss and the run for Mrs. Alaska United States and they were off. But in the few minutes of our conversation it dawned on me, they had been standing in the nurses office for 4 or 5 minutes discussing if I really was my son's mother and what had changed. 

Needless to say this isn't the first time, THIS exact conversation has taken place recently. It has actually occurred more times then not, and everyone gets that puzzled look like, wait somethings different. Not good different, not bad different just different. I know why people are scared to ask, but really STARING is RUDE!

So I guess my point is, ASK me? Yes, in the last 10 years I have lost 160 pounds, In the last 12 months, do to hard work and a little bit of not so good luck I have lost 40 or so pounds. I have grown into what my dad would hate to hear, A HOTTIE.  I was at an event recently and someone said, "Do you know, how incredibly beautiful you are?" I smiled and said gracefully, "Thank you but no." Cause I know I'm ok, but I see myself at night I don't take a shower in the dark and hanging chads have nothing on things that should not be where they are.(Please someone say they got that joke) 

And really, when you ask, if I look at you like you have a third eye ball, please don't think its because I'm offended. But to me the changes in my body and face and structure are again microscopic and why would anyone notice.  I do appreciate all of it, your heartfelt joy for me in my successes and your down right bummed outness when I don't make my own goals. But this is me, proud, strong, courageous in knowing I have NO idea about the world at hand But I'm certainly going to try and figure it out.