I make bad decisions........

I make bad decisions, whether Directly or Indirectly... Though at some point it would be interesting to look at the percentage of decisions I make on each front but I guess that's a MUTE point.

And so I ask, DO YOU????????

Do you remember the last bad decisions you made?  Did it have to do with LOVE, LIFE or YOUR HAIR????

Because I sit here this evening wondering Why we make BAD DECISIONS...

Why do we eat to much?

Why do we drink to much?

Why do we love to much?                  

I ask more for my kids then for me. Recently, I heard someone say "I'm to old to change!" Well, frankly, I might be to old to change... At 34 years old, do I have the capability to change in a dramatic way.


I was an adult EARLY... I'm not blaming anything on that but maybe my bad decisions started out well, 18 years ago. Don't get me wrong I'm blessed BEST KID EVER. I mean Moon, Stars and all that jazz, but would I have been different had I left Alaska in 1999 and gone all the way to St. Augustine, Florida and Flagler College where I had applied to go to college. Would you be different today if not for one small decision?

And what would it matter, other then whom you still associate with did those decisions you know the ones I'm talking about the ones about who you Love, Like and who (my favorite) Stand... Would it have changed you???

Do you regret those losses? I'm not immune to the loss of someone, I miss people as does everyone.  At this point in my life you either look at me as a reckless idiot or you look at me as an innovator.  Well, I'm here to say I'm HUMAN with faults and cracks and I know all this to be true.  And I'm accepting all of it.  I appreciate the people who think me reckless, because they really aren't watching close enough to know I have a plan and for those that think I'm an innovator well, I'm really just doing this all on a wing and a prayer.

As my neighbor yell at each other today I wonder, was I them.  I have been told by people smarter then me that all decisions are made on two things: FEAR and MONEY.  That seems so linear, two things to base everything on but as I think about it, what a true statement.  I lived my life for so long based on a number in my checking account or in disappointing someone else, FEAR and MONEY, honey you are for sure right.

All that being said, I wish to know or have pure confidence that my decisions aren't bad...  They are HUMAN. Sometimes in love, it hurts, Sometimes in eating you get "uncomfortable" and Sometimes in drinking you need ALEVE in the morning but it is all okay.

A long time ago, I judged someones decisions. I judged my Best Friend's decisions as bad decisions it wasn't my place, if I could go back today I'd tell her, "Go for it, I got your back in the end. ALWAYS."  I didn't get that opportunity, we lost TRAC before I could ever grow up and get it, we lost her to her decisions. Forever, I wish I could change my bad decisions to change this one moment in time.

I said earlier, I'm to OLD to change... Guess what, maybe that isn't entirely true.  I can choose today to be different, to stop making judgement on others for their decisions and to be okay with my own decision both directly and indirectly to remember that life isn't always right or fair or expected.

And that for once in my life, I can be okay with other peoples look on my decisions because honestly if they judge me that is just their own bad decision.

An Open Letter of Thanks to the Reasons I'm A Mom

Dear Aaron Michael and Logan Wade,

Thank you for making me, Mom. Tomorrow mothers all over the world will celebrate with flowers, a lovely brunch and a hand-made, hand-planted, hand-anything gift and they will swoon and say a hearty tearful thank you, and DON'T think I won't be that mom tomorrow.

But for now, 17 years ago, Aar you came into my life.  Ask my friends, Kristin, Kids? And they would have laughed none of them ever saw me as a diaper changing, puke cleaning up kinda gal.  Needless to say one August night you arrived and you didn't take no for an answer you needed a full time, no joke MOM.  You were demanding but patient, difficult but suspiciously cute at everything you did.

Moments of sitting on the floor in tears as we were both so tired and exhausted at the pace of being a single parent family in Las Vegas.  You were the one who would find the crayon box and a coloring book and turn any moment into the perfect time to color and for Scooby to make us laugh one more time.

We grew up together, let me say this better we are growing up together, through love and hate, through success and failure. You have taught me so much about this thing called life. That no matter the conditions, we are set forth with, you deal with them and they shouldn't bother anyone else cause they sure as heck don't both you.  Frankly, you have taken the good things in me and improved them. A high bride, for that matter. So much so, I am envious and speechless often at the Human you are becoming.

To my Tenderheart, eleven years ago, Single Mom me was ill prepared for the arrival of the life and path you have lead us all on.  It is said things happen for a reason and the day I met your dad I knew, he was meant to be a father and I, a mother to his kids.  Though your brother is the epitome of  unexpected arrivals you had your fair share of unexpected moments.  You changed me in ways your brother couldn't from the first sign of a baby bump to the moment it was decided you would be named after a Superhero(true fact) you have left me speechless more times then not.

You make me think, you make me laugh, you make me want to pull my hair out some days but over all you are a spit fire.  With the vocabulary of a 30 year old, I still wonder what we were thinking all those years ago to not "baby talk" with you.  In your soul I can see how wise you are, so different from your brother but so very similar. You, Tenderheart have taught me patience, you have taught me the skills of cookie negotiation and remote control etiquette; that betting you in anything is a suckers bet because you never place a bet you can't win. That Antomentium isn't really a thing, even if you are named after the Super Hero that has bones made out of them and that sometimes bones do break; that bravery comes in pint sizes and sometimes isn't fair.  You have shown me what it is like to FIGHT for those you believe in and that comedic timing and wit can change any moment into something to celebrate.

Boys, I tell you all this because there was a time when I didn't see myself as a Mom.  I was going to join the circus and be a Billionaire (Sorry, Dad.) From tickle monster wars to tearful 'I just want Mommy' moments, I'm a changed person because of you two.  One day you will grow up, and I won't be cool anymore.  And one day, as did I, you will disappoint me or your dad or both of us for that matter, and in that moment it will be just that, disappointing, but in the end I'm honored to be your Mom and I will always love you.

I'm proud of the young men you are and the Gentleman you will soon become.  So as much as tomorrow is a celebration of all 5 Million Moms out there I can't bare the day with out saying thank you for making me, Mom.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells...........

D-I-V-O-R-C-E that's how you spell Divorce is isn't a word my kids know as a "bad" word; but maybe it should be. I get that it is defined in the Dictionary as
di·vorce

dəˈvôrs/

noun

1. 1.

   the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.

   "her divorce from her first husband"

So it isn't F*&$ or S&%^, but maybe is should be, because I can tell you it is a word that I never wished my babies to utter. 

As I write this my babies have learned in the last twelve months, Separation, Divorce, Loss and Sadness. A year ago, there was still HOPE; life Would, Could, oh Man, it will SAVE ITSELF it's got to; we DON'T Divorce. I say that because we both came from those families, his folks married as high school sweethearts who are  "see how much they love each other" people and my folks are still, hand holding dancing after 46 years of marriage, that is what we had to compete against.  HAPPINESS!!!! 

Then life happened: a new business, loss, a new job, THE HEART ATTACK, the realization that we were two very different people then 11 years ago. One morning WE woke up and WE decided, WE needed to divorce.  I could tell you all has been smooth, but you would in short time find that to be a complete and utter LIE.  

Officially, to call him my EX is still an overwhelming and surreal term; but with new Girlfriends and Boyfriends for that matter it would seem we have both moved on.  

I can't drive into the parking lot we had "THE TALK" in.  I still remember the quiet loss as we for the FIRST time spoke candidly about the lives we had, just ten minutes prior.  About the love, the hurt, the spirit of what we were as a family, reduced to just a few minutes in time. 

I'll tell you, the move out is something I choose not to remember; the move from our FOREVER HOME(the house I fought to live in.) Our kids, our dogs; our pieces and parts all reduced to 15 boxes and 2 car trips to a garage and house just a miles away; to be in a house that is so quiet and vacant that I still venture a guess people wonder if I really live here. 

You are asking, I hear you, "What about the kids?" Oh, I have a very special breed.  Both of my angels have stayed in the FOREVER HOME, more for the creature comforts of dogs and beds then because they want to pick one parent over the other. We just aren't that way. Little dude comes barreling through my front door each and almost every morning, "Hi, Momma." A Starbucks "coffee" stop and we are on our way to a new day of adventures, as I did with Aar all those years ago. "Be smarter then the other kids today." To which is replied, "LOVE YOU, MOM." As he runs off to school. Aar, well, I see him when his sixteen year old heart lets me. :-/ 

Hard moments can be listed on a dry erase board because today they seem so hard to deal with but tomorrow it will be just a moment, something to quickly erased.  In the beginning Little Dude was convinced that if he and his GMA built us "MATCH.com" sites we, of course, would match again, RIGHT?????  Seemed pretty straight forward, we had loved each other enough to create him how could we not be that match somehow again. YEP, try and swallow that. 

He though has learned, Mom and Dad won't be living in our FOREVER HOME together anymore.  

And then there's today, we will celebrate a 10th birthday in a few days and we have built a plan to celebrate it separately and with complete support of the others new lives and integrating them, like, you update your operating system on your cellular device.  

Now almost a year into this new experiment, I'm finally getting use to this eternally unexplainable life. I have spent a lot of time this last year in a very quiet world, but I have been blessed to meet some really great people. In the same breath, my fair share of, AHMMMMMMMM, DICK HEADs too.  I'm not a saint, no piece of perfection but I'm learning and growing from the experiences that have happened.  Learning what I want, don't want and what I think I deserve; what I need to change and what will stay the same in this new life. 

As for the past, I don't regret a moment.  From looking up and saying, "Holy Shit, that's a lot of people." on our wedding day to the moments when we agreed our life was not together anymore.  I'm very lucky to have been married to my EX; some days we drive each other crazy and that I'm told it is normal but WE made two amazing kids, we created a great life and I couldn't imagine it any other way. So cuss words and all, DIVORCE IS FUCKING HARD but we will survive both together and apart, as will, all of you, out there reading this.