That was the call and response to my nurse in California, #thechefguyak and I, we had a plan as does many people. We were going to go the two weeks after Father's Day or even first of July. That was the PLAN!
We had just gotten married in January and we were in desperate need of some level of organized chaos but the time would be necessary to plan and execute a merit of stress inducing holy moly items, how are we going to A. Pay for this B. Take time off for this C. survive the recovery we are about to undertake. I, of all people (btw I'm the patient in this little cluster crash.) had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
We were as always doing this the hardest way possible. We actually haven't done anything easily in the last few years. I have managed in every 6 months of the last 2 years to do something to turn our life on its head. I should probably back up. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
Secretly, for almost 3 years I have been suffering from semi-chronic pain (semi-chronic - not every moment of everyday but more then less.) After our regularly unscheduled trip to the ER in March of this year, I was told by the doctors you need to see a specialist. Great, What now.
My GI doc performed yet again another endoscopy, this time he said the words I don't think my family will ever forget. "We have a problem, and Kristin is going to need to see a surgeon." You see for years now my GI doc had been dilating a small valve that was constantly being pesky. This time, as I was undoping up, my doc told my mom, "I can't fix this anymore and now there is an ulcer that will not heal through normal treatment." HOUSTON, We have a problem.
With the GI doc a memory, we collected a stack of med records and went shopping for the most unconventional thing, A Surgeon.
I started with my original surgeon, No response. And I couldn't even be mad, I knew in my heart this wasn't good. The next 2 surgeons told me, "Nope. your case is too complicated." Let me identify for you the scariest set of words in the English language "Your case is too complicated." I cried, I mean I crocodile tears that stuff up. No one was going to be able to help me. Finally, a girlfriend said call my doctor. According to her, her doctor would help she was the best. Well, that doctor conveyed the same message as the 2 prior, "I'm sorry I just can't." But in the same moment she said, "I know who can." I was immediately referred to a surgeon practicing out of San Diego.
I wasted no time, I Googled, I stalked, I down right did a drive by from Alaska. Upon investigation, I was not disappointed I met amazing people who said the words I dreamed of hearing,"We CAN help you." I cried each time they would call with a new bit of information, from the hospital is available this date to the insurance company just called and you have been APPROVED. Okay great, but now back to the first line of this blog. "You need to be here in two weeks." I'm sorry, "What?"
So let me explain this in the most painless way possible, my surgery the surgery that I would need to live any type of normal life is one that people plan months to have. They change eating habits, change behaviors all to have the surgery I was now planning on having in just 2 weeks. Let me clarify, my case was pretty extreme I was experience a 8 out of 10 pain level everyday and had been for months. Though I could wait, the doctor insisted that time was of the essence and the surgery needed to be performed ASAP. With this news, my world spun into what I was giving up, remembering how much of an adjustment I went through the first time I had abdominal surgery and now here I was 2 weeks from having an even more dangerous surgery.
Needless to say, the surgery took place, Tuesday June 4th in San Diego, CA. Everything the surgeon had warned of was there and more, his task fixing it. Which he did, 3.5 hours did magically turn into almost 5 but in the end I had a new longer esophagus, smaller stomach, part of my old stomach had been removed and I had a new shiny straightened intestine. Oh, and my partridge in the pear tree was 3 ulcers along the lower length of my stomach and liver. BUT I WAS ALIVE!
SO, HERE is where the revelations start coming in, FYI!
I can tell you NOTHING could have prepared me for this.
From eating with a baby spoon to watching friends and family eat anything they wanted around me. I literally have wanted to crawl into a turtle shell and stay there. I honestly don't care how much pain has been relieved, I want my life back. I want to feel normal. And at this cross road is where I have stood since June 4th between pure fear and downright stand off pissedoffness.
Please don't get me wrong I have the most amazing support system, literally I woke up to a hospital full of people waiting for me to wake up and to care for me. But what is meant in one breath to be just pure concern, in my confused and some what overly emotional mind, is demanding and unfair. I know that they are just stopping an inevitable level of pain that they can't feel but no will come. It still doesn't change the facts. My life is now forever changed, no return policy here. Perhaps my level of sadness has come from many places, my life has and is changing in dramatic ways our family is changing, our jobs are changing. NOTHING IS THE SAME! And now I can't cope with a single stresser with anything that has helped in the past, I.E. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
And that's it... What is my worth if I don't have food? I guess that's the question I have to start answering even in the moments of starting to cook again for our family and friends. I have tried very hard in my life to give where ever I can and with whatever I have, so why do I feel like this loss is so soul crushing. I mentioned from the beginning people plan months, if not years to have the surgery I had. My dearest confidant last week in a moment of pure desperation on my part said to me, "Get your head out of your ass! You are the only person I know tough enough to do this the hardest way possible." I laughed in the moment, but maybe I truly need to look at my own self-confidence and the worth that I provide to the world.
For those who don't think I have an ounce of humility, I'm imperfect. I'm tough as nails but cry at romantic comedies. I want everyone to like me and I want to prove to the world that I can do just about anything. I guess in the end the biggest revelation is that I no longer can use food to be my safety net. Food isn't going to save me from the bad days and the rough nights, I will I have to do that for myself.
