I have a confession to make I have been avoiding you, not
that I don’t trust you to understand me but because I didn’t think I deserved
understanding, I GAVE UP!
In a few days Lil Dude will be 11 years old and year 10
sucked. I sucked as a mom, as a friend, as a business person. And ask me WHY, lack of motivation (nope),
lack of drive (nope). Frankly, I don’t
know why. I do know that I found ways of
coping with everything, I created creative ways to excuse myself from
life. "I can’t work out tonight because I
need to sit on my couch" was my favorite, I can’t pay that bill because I’m worried
where the next dollar is going to come from,
I can’t be me because
I’m scared!
I procrastinated this last year away, I made excuses for a
life and time where I could and did everything because I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong I got out of bed each
morning, drove my car to work, worked my anywhere from 8 to 10 hour day, but I
didn’t do anything above and beyond at least in my mind. Now that I’m writing this I reflect back, I
volunteered still for numerous charities, I attended numerous amazing events
but something is missing.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself. I see someone
who is tired and frightened. Someone who has forgotten their purpose.
How does one lose their purpose?
In my defense, (wait more excuses)… I believed that where I
am and what I am doing in life is what was deserved. I had been a not-so-great person the last go
around at having a great life, that now I deserve what I get. A 2 bedroom
condo, with a leaky bath tub, issues with relationships and being appreciated I
believed that this was now all I got.
THAT STOPS NOW!!!!
I’m worth so much more than those feelings. I deserve to remember the days when I looked
in the mirror and was proud of not only what I looked like (because I still
know I’m beautiful) but proud to say I was doing something my boys would be
proud of. Number #1 son will soon
graduate from high school and I have done everything in my life for him and his
little brother why did that stop being my focus. It can’t, I have to get it back.
What does this comeback look like? It’s not going to be
pretty, I’m going to cry and there are
going to be a lot of things I have to
change. But the first step is saying all of this, the second is to make my
priorities different: nights being spent on my couch to be replaced with a walk
or a workout. I will go back and remember my love of this beautiful city and
find an organization that inspires me. I will regain what has been missing, lost, stolen as it were.
This may not be my purpose but it is a goal and perhaps
along the way my purpose will come along for the ride remember who and what we
once were and jump back on like it had never missed a beat. So if you should see me on this journey,
remember you are you and I am every so much Absolutely Me and we all need a
moment to reflect on what we want and don’t want and want to be every once in a
while. May the next 365 be so much about growing and giving back as the previous 35 years.
