I Have Been Hiding From You

I have a confession to make I have been avoiding you, not that I don’t trust you to understand me but because I didn’t think I deserved understanding, I GAVE UP!

In a few days Lil Dude will be 11 years old and year 10 sucked. I sucked as a mom, as a friend, as a business person.  And ask me WHY, lack of motivation (nope), lack of drive (nope).  Frankly, I don’t know why.  I do know that I found ways of coping with everything, I created creative ways to excuse myself from life.  "I can’t work out tonight because I need to sit on my couch" was my favorite, I can’t pay that bill because I’m worried where the next dollar is going to come from,

I can’t be me because

 I’m scared!

I procrastinated this last year away, I made excuses for a life and time where I could and did everything because I wanted to.  Don’t get me wrong I got out of bed each morning, drove my car to work, worked my anywhere from 8 to 10 hour day, but I didn’t do anything above and beyond at least in my mind.  Now that I’m writing this I reflect back, I volunteered still for numerous charities, I attended numerous amazing events but something is missing. 

I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself. I see someone who is tired and frightened. Someone who has forgotten their purpose. 

How does one lose their purpose?

In my defense, (wait more excuses)… I believed that where I am and what I am doing in life is what was deserved.  I had been a not-so-great person the last go around at having a great life, that now I deserve what I get. A 2 bedroom condo, with a leaky bath tub, issues with relationships and being appreciated I believed that this was now all I got.

 

THAT STOPS NOW!!!!

I’m worth so much more than those feelings.  I deserve to remember the days when I looked in the mirror and was proud of not only what I looked like (because I still know I’m beautiful) but proud to say I was doing something my boys would be proud of.  Number #1 son will soon graduate from high school and I have done everything in my life for him and his little brother why did that stop being my focus.  It can’t, I have to get it back. 

 

What does this comeback look like? It’s not going to be pretty, I’m going to cry and there are

going to be a lot of things I have to change. But the first step is saying all of this, the second is to make my priorities different: nights being spent on my couch to be replaced with a walk or a workout. I will go back and remember my love of this beautiful city and find an organization that inspires me. I will regain what has been missing, lost, stolen as it were.

 

This may not be my purpose but it is a goal and perhaps along the way my purpose will come along for the ride remember who and what we once were and jump back on like it had never missed a beat.  So if you should see me on this journey, remember you are you and I am every so much Absolutely Me and we all need a moment to reflect on what we want and don’t want and want to be every once in a while.  May the next 365 be so much about growing and giving back as the previous 35 years.