D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells...........

D-I-V-O-R-C-E that's how you spell Divorce is isn't a word my kids know as a "bad" word; but maybe it should be. I get that it is defined in the Dictionary as
di·vorce

dəˈvôrs/

noun

1. 1.

   the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.

   "her divorce from her first husband"

So it isn't F*&$ or S&%^, but maybe is should be, because I can tell you it is a word that I never wished my babies to utter. 

As I write this my babies have learned in the last twelve months, Separation, Divorce, Loss and Sadness. A year ago, there was still HOPE; life Would, Could, oh Man, it will SAVE ITSELF it's got to; we DON'T Divorce. I say that because we both came from those families, his folks married as high school sweethearts who are  "see how much they love each other" people and my folks are still, hand holding dancing after 46 years of marriage, that is what we had to compete against.  HAPPINESS!!!! 

Then life happened: a new business, loss, a new job, THE HEART ATTACK, the realization that we were two very different people then 11 years ago. One morning WE woke up and WE decided, WE needed to divorce.  I could tell you all has been smooth, but you would in short time find that to be a complete and utter LIE.  

Officially, to call him my EX is still an overwhelming and surreal term; but with new Girlfriends and Boyfriends for that matter it would seem we have both moved on.  

I can't drive into the parking lot we had "THE TALK" in.  I still remember the quiet loss as we for the FIRST time spoke candidly about the lives we had, just ten minutes prior.  About the love, the hurt, the spirit of what we were as a family, reduced to just a few minutes in time. 

I'll tell you, the move out is something I choose not to remember; the move from our FOREVER HOME(the house I fought to live in.) Our kids, our dogs; our pieces and parts all reduced to 15 boxes and 2 car trips to a garage and house just a miles away; to be in a house that is so quiet and vacant that I still venture a guess people wonder if I really live here. 

You are asking, I hear you, "What about the kids?" Oh, I have a very special breed.  Both of my angels have stayed in the FOREVER HOME, more for the creature comforts of dogs and beds then because they want to pick one parent over the other. We just aren't that way. Little dude comes barreling through my front door each and almost every morning, "Hi, Momma." A Starbucks "coffee" stop and we are on our way to a new day of adventures, as I did with Aar all those years ago. "Be smarter then the other kids today." To which is replied, "LOVE YOU, MOM." As he runs off to school. Aar, well, I see him when his sixteen year old heart lets me. :-/ 

Hard moments can be listed on a dry erase board because today they seem so hard to deal with but tomorrow it will be just a moment, something to quickly erased.  In the beginning Little Dude was convinced that if he and his GMA built us "MATCH.com" sites we, of course, would match again, RIGHT?????  Seemed pretty straight forward, we had loved each other enough to create him how could we not be that match somehow again. YEP, try and swallow that. 

He though has learned, Mom and Dad won't be living in our FOREVER HOME together anymore.  

And then there's today, we will celebrate a 10th birthday in a few days and we have built a plan to celebrate it separately and with complete support of the others new lives and integrating them, like, you update your operating system on your cellular device.  

Now almost a year into this new experiment, I'm finally getting use to this eternally unexplainable life. I have spent a lot of time this last year in a very quiet world, but I have been blessed to meet some really great people. In the same breath, my fair share of, AHMMMMMMMM, DICK HEADs too.  I'm not a saint, no piece of perfection but I'm learning and growing from the experiences that have happened.  Learning what I want, don't want and what I think I deserve; what I need to change and what will stay the same in this new life. 

As for the past, I don't regret a moment.  From looking up and saying, "Holy Shit, that's a lot of people." on our wedding day to the moments when we agreed our life was not together anymore.  I'm very lucky to have been married to my EX; some days we drive each other crazy and that I'm told it is normal but WE made two amazing kids, we created a great life and I couldn't imagine it any other way. So cuss words and all, DIVORCE IS FUCKING HARD but we will survive both together and apart, as will, all of you, out there reading this.